Forty Trees Farm: rambling

Decry

Hey there.

Down and small is too light to describe how I feel yesterday. There's always someone who always disparaging all your efforts, those who disguised concern as a way telling you don't have what it takes to succeed.

A lion doesn't need to be guided all the way to become a king. So are we.

The veiled concerned, caring and too much mollycoddling suffocates us. Asking us what we're going to do and keep complaining what we are doing not good enough or not right, is not building us.

We love challenges, we love to create our own solutions. A person doesn't learn to garden if you keep giving him fruits, as much as a man doesn't think if he was given solution all the time.

We probably doesn't have fifty years of gardening under our belt, but we are eager to learn, eager to experiment and passionate in what we do. I think I ran out of patience, and I feel like saying, fuck it, you do it alone then. I'll just go and travel and have fun. No need to wake up early, spend our money and time in the forsaken land.

My weight is currently 85.9 kg. 😭

Yesterday I ate every 2 hours or less, and mostly carbs. I don't feel like eating clean, much less exercising. I garden half heartedly in my house. Pushing some seeds in, just bless them and tell them, do your best..

Pruned the spent roses head as well as kesum. The beauty lifted my mood ever so slightly.

I woke up eating persimmon. Realizing my mom made fried noodles, I ate one small bowl of it. Two hours later, another bowl. Three slice of sweet bread comes next. After eating the bread, my sil sent chicken rice, which I devoured. Followed by another bowl of fried noodles, grapes, leftover persimmon and roasted chicken breast.

I end up listening to 90's pop and R&B songs. Singing along, dancing does wonder to my mood. Before sleep, I remind myself I'm doing this for me, for my dad and not for others.

This morning, feeling refreshed, and stepping on the scales, I'm down to 84.5 kg. So for breakfast, I took out a forgotten apple. Slicing it, I'm surprised the pips have sprouted.

I've planted them, and we'll see if they grow.

Breakfast, fried veggies and 1 green apple.

Snack, tiny orange. 1 apple. 3/4 bread and 1 half boiled egg (Keyaan's leftover)

Another snack, apple. A bahulu.

Dinner, plum and fried veggies.

After workout, 4 slice of biscuits and warm chocolate.

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, by Khairani

rambling

Sucker

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, by Khairani

rambling

Old and new hobby

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, by Khairani

rambling

Tips on staying healthy during grocery shopping.

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, by Khairani

exercise

Weight loss progress

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, by Khairani

rambling

Reasons on losing weight.

A few people told me that 'its okay to be fat', 'I look cute being fat' and many well meaning phrases to soothe my attempt on losing weight. But there's also so many 'You've gained loads of weight', 'your sister could stay slim, unlike you' or my favorite, 'fat as the weather balloon'.

Many ask is it worth it to starve myself, exercising too much, and the stares I get when I'm jogging around the playground with the mini me playing happily. (I'm not starving, I eat plenty of veggies, protein and adequate carbs, I exercise the most 45 minutes per day but I break it into 15 minutes, 3x a day or 15 mins on morning, 30 mins in evening. Depending on my mood.)

First and foremost, I do it for me. I want to be slim, healthy, sexy. I want to minimize my pcos as much as possible. I want to live to 80 without diseases and die because of old age. (My granma, although alive and well, complaint how she wishes she could run and walk after my child. That is sad for me. I wish she could too. My dad passes away before I'm pregnant, so I want to be able to see my son's offspring), want to be able to play with my great grand children. I want to walk without feeling like dragging a bunch of potatoes(with the lumps in my bum) I want to see my son grow up and I want to have another baby, or two (the perks of pcos, lower chance of having babies.)

Second, I do it for my little family. I want my hubby to be proud of who I am. I know he already is, but I want for people not questioning why is he wasting his good look on fatty like me. (Yes, I know some who thinks about it. Even say it out loud.) I want him to have a slim and voluptous wife just like I used to be. I know he stick through me when I'm fat, and I'll know he'll stick closer when I'm hot.

I do it so my son will chose wisely and healthily. I do it so I can run with my son, participate in all those camps, jungle tracking, sports and mount climbing. I want him to be proud of his fit, gorgeous mother. And most importantly, if I'm cute and pretty now that I'm fat, how drop dead gorgeous will I be if I'm fit? 💃

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, by Khairani

rambling

Out and about

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, by Khairani

rambling

Weight loss progress

I saw a movie yesterday, its called Thinspiration. Its about a ballerina who were pressure into losing weight by her online peers in a website, and when she lost 10 pounds, they pressure her into losing 20 more. Although at first she was 123, (which was great enough for me), she start losing to 103, and she became anorexic. It was so sad that she thinks she's ugly when I think she's beautiful.

It certainly put me into shifting my restrictive diet.

I thought that I don't have issue, but I do. I binge eating when I ate things I'm not supposed to eat, I have super negative body image, I weight myself obsessively, and I punish myself when I'm bad with portion control as well as when people tell me I look good, I dismissed them, thinking I did not change much, or I just lost 10, or that I've gained back 2. Its very negative way to communicate with my own self, and I'm still learning to love myself.

So now, I'm not on Atkins. I'm not on any diets, just sensible eating and if I over eat, I'll just eat more vegetables on the next meal. And when my best friend told me I look good and I do look like I lost weight, I thanked her instead of launching on how I don't look different at all.

In my attempt to fill my hours, I'm thinking of taking a sewing class. I could make my own dresses, maybe sew for others, start my own brand.. Sheesh not even registered, but daydreaming of something big. Well, its not bad day dreaming, just need to turn it in reality.

So tomorrow to do list is to check on sewing class and change my phone camera. I realize that I'm mostly bored most of the time that I end up eating. And I'm super sluggish and tired the last two weeks because I didn't exercise and loading on simple carbs.

Mee rebus I had for breakfast on Wednesday.

I did not weight myself since 12th (87.9) and although the last few days I still eat carbs(loaded baked potato, boiled sweet potato, mee rebus, spaghetti carbonara) but today I lost weight, which now I'm 86.7(-1.2kg).

A trick I used is by eating protein and veggies first. Like on Wed, I went out with Winnie to have mee rebus(noodles with thick gravy), so I added fried chicken, and ate fried chicken, egg, nuts and anchovies first then I dive into the noodles. I enjoyed the food, and I'm left with 3/4 of the noodles cause I'm loaded with protein first.

Another trick I used, is stick to smaller portion and brown bag the rest. My sister made baked chicken, spaghetti carbonara and loaded baked potato last Tuesday. I ate a small bowl of spaghetti carbonara, chicken and salad, and I feel full. So I bring the potatoes home, and ate one for the next day dinner.

And if I had a lot of carbs yesterday, I try to load up on veggies and protein the next day. There's a term on that, called carbs cycling. So you are not deprived on carbs, yet you burn enough fat the next day. You can do alternate days, such as 2 low carbs, 1 high carbs, or today low carbs and next day high carbs. But don't think of it as cheat day, or eating simple carbs.

An omelette with mushroom, herbs, and cheese with baby romaine salad and a jambu air.

A rule of thumb is using the strength training exercise on your high carbs day, so to burn the food you've eaten. And some of my suggestion are sweet potato, whole grain pasta or whole grain rice/bread. Today is my low carbs day, and I've eaten 3 half boiled eggs with spicy soy sauce for breakfast, and stir fry chicken, cauliflower, okra and tomatoes for lunch and dinner. I ate bingka jagung(corn patty cake made with flour, sugar, corn) and coconut milk pudding for snacks. Yesterday I ate 3 half boiled egg for breakfast, a salad and vegetables omelette for lunch and 1 medium loaded baked potato.

Although I'm not on Atkins, I'm sticking to low carbs as it is proven good for heavier PCOS patients, and its the first time that I actually lose weight without too much restrictions. And as I lost 1.2kg in 3 days while eating certain amount of carbs, I believe I could lose more even while eating carbs.

Tomorrow I'm planning to eat low carbs as well. And high carbs for Saturday. And to tell you the truth, I've already planned to eat Aglio et Olio spaghetti with prawns and veggies. Yumss. Since I tend to overeat pasta, I'll make sure to load on salad first before diving into the scrumptious spaghetti. ❤️

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, by Khairani

permaculture

House, in progress

As you probably know, since my dad passed away, we didn't go to the farm for nearly four years. And so, the gate and much of the house was broken and stolen.

My mom renovate the house back so we could stay at night or during rainy weather. It is still work in progress since we don't want to use too much money. But atleast the house have windows now. The outside is still bare, we'll fixed it little by little.

We opened up the ground floor with two more window at the front and side to ely natural light in. We have an enourmous langsat tree beside the house (at night a lot of fireflies fly around this tree), pruned the starfruit in front of it, but it's send out more new shoots now.

We fixed the gate, but was torn down by the elephants again as pictured above. And on Sunday we stained upstairs' floor and stairs.

The unstained floor, it was scrub clean by the brawn while I weed out lemongrass patch.

The boy helping the brawn(or making his dad mad, I can't tell the difference)

I did help the first quarter and he did the second quarter, and while we wait for it to dry, Khyru spray weed killer at the farm. We are going to finish this batch, and never buy one again. Its against our value, yet we feel helpless with a lot of pressure from our family members to use it. We came across a mixture of vinegar, dishwashing liquid as well as salt to control weed. We also going to apply carpet/plastic mulch on the next few weeks to control weeds. Wish us luck!

I tried to apply permaculture, as I weed out lemongrass patch. I cut up water bottles to two side, and plant pegaga under half bottle to the side of lemongrass. The pegaga will spread and thus weed would not survive. We did a test patch and it work. So I applied it to 16 lemongrass and 6 chili plant.

Pegaga is a type of ulam, so its best consume raw. Its easy to spread, but its easier to manage and can stand to light to medium foot traffic. I brought a foot long to the farm, and in two weeks they spread like above. Previously I wanted to use thyme and herbs, but since we live in tropical and somehow managed to kill them, five times in a row. So I use what's freely available in my house, bring it to the farm, and they are spreading!

The pegaga under cut bottle drink, beside the chili plant. The bottle drink also provide self watering to the plant.

I couldn't take picture of the finished stained floor as it was getting darker, so Khyru finished it by himself being the brawn, and I went and water the plants with aged manure tea. We'll see it about it next week!